Angus Oblong's Movie Reviews.

Below you will find my professional opinion of the last few movies I've seen. Clearly I lean toward big dumb movies with aliens, explosions and lots of CG. I rarely allow myself to get dragged to a rom com or worse, something subtitled. Who wants to READ a movie?

(And if you have to play with your phone during a movie, you're too fucking stupid to be allowed to go to movies. So please stay at home and die.)

 

The Suicide Squad.

The Suicide Squad, not to be confused with 2016's Suicide Squad (which was not good) is great! This movie is both in theaters & streaming on HBOMax and is worth going TO the theater for!
It's hilarious and not terrible like Suicide Squad was.
Can we address the elephant? WHY, oh entertainment industry, are you SO LAZY!? Why not call this one, oh, I don't know, Suicide Squad vs. The Starfish. Or something. ANYthing but The Suici- you get it.
 
I remember watching Suicide Squad with Doreen and we were so drunk I had to watch it again later, which totally sucked because the movie totally sucked! Harley Quinn was great but nothing else about it was.
I recently watched a movie sober. It was quite the boring experience and I do not recommend it.

 

 

 

 

Black Widow.

Women be talkin'!
For every 10 minutes of action, you must pay by sitting through 20 minutes of talking.
"Blah blah blah," they would say. I found myself wondering what I need at the grocery store.
I took the lesbians' son to this movie because he's seen all the other Marvel movies and so have I, even though my friend hates these movies because his brothers are the Russo brothers who produce them and I guess they're buttholes. I dunno.
This has nothing to do with Black Widow, but this one time in Portland, Oregon, I was walking into a bar while eating a burrito. The doordude was all, "Sorry sir, no outside food." I was in clown makeup & said, "It's OK, it's a service burrito." He laughed and let me in with it!
I personally think the whole service animals thing has gone too far. If you can't grocery shop without your dog, it's not because you need it. It's because you're fuck**g insane. Blindies exempt.

 

 

 

 

The Hitman's Bodyguard's Wife.

So there's this new interactive way to watch movies now, only in a few theaters, called 4DX! Your seats tilt, move and vibrate. Mist and water squirt at you, air blows at you from all angles and, when appropriate to the action on screen, lightning flickers. Sounds fun, right?! It was quite possibly
THE.
WORST.
THING.
I'VE.
EVER.
EXPERIENCED.
And I've had a finger unexpectedly pushed up my ass once during sex.
Not cool.
We made it maybe 20 minutes (and I really wanted to see this movie) and could take no more. I had no idea what the hell was going on in the plot because I was so incredibly distracted by the fuck**g chair violently vibrating, sometimes for no reason at all!
I'll properly review The Hitman's Bodyguard's Wife when I see it in its preferred form, 1D. I just wanted to warn you all of this intrusive, horrible thing that's being offered to innocent people everywhere.
Now go do something that will make a difference.
Stay strong.
I love you.

 

 

 

 

Cruella.

Finally movie theaters are reopening! The theater wasn't crowded at all. Not sure if you've heard, but there was this stupid virus called Corona something that killed, like, a hundred people. And because of it, movie theaters have been closed for a long time. This was the first movie I've seen on the big screen in over a year and I loved it! But be warned, it exceeds the limits of the human bladder, so wear an adult diaper or bring something to pee in because you won't want to miss any of it. At first I thought whatsername was bad casting as Cruella because I don't buy her as a bad guy, but she did a great job!

Disney's animated 101 Dalmations is one of my favourites, mainly because of Cruella. Can you imagine if movies didn't have a flashy villain? How much would that suck? Anyhow, this is an origin story of how Cruella became so evil. I won't spoil it, but it's all because her total bitch boss killed her mom then became her mom.

After seeing Cruella, I went to the Star Wars themed bar in Hollywood called Scum & Villainy, where I had way too many drinks.